At sixteen years old, I never questioned my parents marriage-or the lack of one. I assumed, as most naive kids do at a young age, that nothing was wrong. Now at nineteen, a college freshman, I see things in a new light. My parents have been married for 25 years, and have disclosed to me and my sister that when my sister, a freshman in high-school, graduates, they want a divorce. At first, I was very angry. Questions were bombarding my mind. What is going on? Why are they being so selfish? Who do they think they are, ruining our family this way?
As my parents told me everything that has been going on, I was flabbergasted at how little I actually knew about my parents and their marriage. It occurred to me that they weren’t the selfish ones, I was. When I realized just how many people are affected by divorce, I wanted to dig deeper, not just into the kids but into the parents, too. I talked to my little sister Whitney about her feelings on our parent’s divorce, and I can say with confidence she has matured more in the months upon hearing of the divorce than any other times. I read up on divorce and learned that 45-50% of marriages fail in the United States alone.
When I talked to my sister, I really wanted to get her point of view on this situation, uncut, her own opinions without making any parents feel bad. The first question I asked her was, “When you first heard your parents were contemplating separating, how did you respond? Were you angry, sad, confused?” Her response was one that I will probably never forget my entire life, because in that instant I realized my little high-school sister is much more mature than I am at nineteen. With tears in her eyes, she explained, “I am not angry with my parents, I couldn’t be. They gave me awesome memories that I will forever remember. I am sad that they feel this is there last option, but angry no. I love them so much I want them to do what makes them happy. It upsets me they can’t get along as much as they used to, but I’d never be angry with them. Not with all they have given me.” As I stared at her, I wished I could have had the strength she did, because kids all over the world are having to grow up faster than they should, because they are so selfless, they want their parents happiness over their own.
I didn’t just want the view point of kids, they are arguably the most affected, but they aren’t the only ones, by far. I asked my mom a few questions that she was probably really uncomfortable with, things she more than likely didn’t want to answer. But she hung in their for me, and when I asked her the questions she tried her hardest to answer honestly. One question I had asked was, “Are you worried a divorce is going to change the way your kids look at you, what do you think they will think?” My mom was a trooper, she really thought about what she was going to say. Finally her face turned thoughtful and she answered. “I really believe with all my heart that I have raised my kids to try and understand my point of view, and their father’s. We’re not perfect, I’d be grossly lying if I said we were, but we tried our hardest to give our kids the best childhood we could. We don’t want to tarnish their memories just because their father and I couldn’t get along.” Again, I probed into her personal business asking her, “Do you think you two, as parents, are taking the easy way out?” Again she looked thoughtful. And then, “You know, I have battled with this quite a bit over the last two years….” I felt queasy just at the mention of how long things were bad, and me not knowing. “….and I can honestly say that I have tried. I have tried so hard and am so sorry that I couldn’t fix it.”
Some people, however, are less forgiving when it comes to divorce. For example, Desiree, a twenty year old college student who never fully forgave her parents for ruining her childhood memories. “When my parents split up, they broke a huge amount of trust I had in them. Mainly, I think because when my brothers and sisters asked if they were okay, they plastered fake smiles on and lied, said everything was fine, but it wasn’t. Everything, including the trust of my whole family was broken. The divorce was years ago, and I am still not fully over it.” As for someone who actually went through a divorce, it isn’t the easiest thing to go through, without kids, let alone with kids thrown in the middle. Dina, a woman in Saint Louis, Missouri, knows all about that. “Getting a divorce is super hard, you finally realize that the person you promised forever and more is no longer the person you promised that to. But when you have kids, the pain you go through when knowing you have a broken marriage is so miniscule compared to seeing the pain you cause your kids as they watch their family fall apart.” stated Dina. “I have been with my boyfriend for seven years now, and I can’t bring myself to commit for the simple reason of I have no more energy or desire to put in to a marriage again, I am emotionally dead to marriage.” She laughed at the end, but you could definitely tell it was not because she thought she was a comic.
This interview, while a touchy subject, helped me understand my parents so much more now that I know at least a little bit of what is going on. Millions, even billions of kids and parents are affected by divorce, and most of the time I imagine people take a selfish stance and don’t make an attempt to get the full story, or the other side of the story. So while I may not like my parents having two different addresses, I can grin and bear it. If my little sister can, so can I.
